I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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