My first STD was from a foam party
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I think my moral compass just broke
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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