they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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