If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Sex in the backyard? Check.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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