So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
It's never too late to be topless.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell