Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?