Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
