He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
handjob tips. give me some.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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