We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
