...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I wish you could order shots online.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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