i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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