Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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