If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
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