I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize
