You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
you mean i was at the winter classic?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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