This is not my ceiling
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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