she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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