omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
