we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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