My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
