I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize