I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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