i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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