when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
