a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
you had me at cake vodka
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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