i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
