Already got asked if we're dating
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
