I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
