I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
