It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
