Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize