I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
