No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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