meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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