You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Randomize
