its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
