I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
