Sry I called you an 8
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
