I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
