I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
