Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
