What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
