I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
