Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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