Me. At least after what I've been through.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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