She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Well I just put wine in my tea
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
