i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize