He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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