If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
