I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
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I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
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i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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