I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
