Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
