just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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