I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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