weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
